It is easier to build
strong children than to repair broken men.
In psychology, a person’s childhood is given a lot of
importance because it believes that a child’s first 7 years create a big
impact on the person’s psyche. A Child will turn out as a loving, warm and
compassionate adult or will turn out as an insecured, angry, bitter adult will
depend upon his childhood.
Now, it is very easy to point fingers at a parent
that they were not able to bring up an adult who’s constructive and not
destructive towards himself, others, society, nation, and the world. While in a country like India where most of the children are
brought up in a joint family and around relatives like grandparents, chacha, chichi,
buva, mausi, elder cousin siblings, etc. it becomes very difficult for a parent
to monitor everybody’s behaviour towards the child thus, resulting in verbal,
physical, psychological, emotional abuse on the child. Sometimes, even if a parent
is aware of this kind of abuse happening with the child they would not be able
to stand up for the child as she will be afraid of fights in family or because
she herself is living under constant fear.
We might say, now people are educated they would not
indulge in any kind of abuse with the child even if it’s a Joint Family. Well,
I regret to say that education has done nothing to destroy the satisfaction
which an adult feels when he/she destroys Self – Image and Self – Esteem of a
person who is inferior in terms of age, wealth, fame, etc.
An adult who is
himself very insecured and has low Self – Image will find power to crush a child’s
Self – Image. And before a child enters the world as an adult, he is as a person full of self doubt, insecurity and crushed
Self – Image which results in either being a bully or getting bullied. Both
inferiority complex and superiority complex is a result of Crushed Self Image.
Let’s take a scenario:
Where, you living in a Joint Family and your child is being
constantly spoken to in a rude and mocking language, your child is constantly
being criticized, condemned and ridiculed by few members of the family. These
are the different ways a parent would handle the situation:
1) Learn
to Tolerate...You will become Strong
When the child comes to you crying about
the misbehaviour happening to him/her or when the misbehaviour to your child
happens in your presence and if you tell your child that “It is okie, just
ignore it...that’s how that person’s nature is. Learn to tolerate, learn to
take it in your stride...you will become strong.”
Message
to the child:
I am
not worthy enough. Since, my mom/dad also does not stand up for me maybe I
deserve to be treated badly.
Result
of this in Child’s Life:
a)
If a child comes out stronger than he/she will
become aggressive and a bully because in his psyche he is still angry at her
parents for not protecting him to stand up for himself. And
the only way he knew to be strong was to either earn fame, success or become
powerful and then bully people.
b)
That child when he becomes an adult will allow others to behave badly with him. The relationships that adult has in future
would also involve patterns of some kind of abuse. That adult will only tolerate
nonsense happening because “he does not deserve to be treated well.”
c)
Rarely, a strong and repaired adult will come
out of this kind of tolerance.
2) Protecting
Your Child
Every time your child comes crying because
of the misbehaviour happening and you go and fight for him and stand up for
him.
Message
to the Child:
My Parents are there for me whenever
something wrong happens to me and they will solve my problems every time. I never
have to do anything as my parent will take care of me.
Result
of this in Child’s Life:
When they go out in the real world they
would always search for a parent who will protect them...which they might not
get and thus, resulting in breakdown and inability to handle rejecction.
3) Empowering
the Child’s Self Image
Now, when a child comes to you crying about
someone in the family misbehaving with him or when you see misbehaviour
happening to your child. Talk to your child in person.
Form a strategy with your child to help him
stand up for himself. Like, if a member is talking in a bitter manner to the
child. Ask the child to address that uncle or aunt asking, “I will only do this
work if you tell Please.” Or “I will only do your work if you talk properly to me”, or
just stay silent and not respond back to that uncle till he realizes.
Explain
to him the truth:
a)
Explain him that you have certain limitations in
voicing or taking stand but, would support the child in standing up for
himself. And when the child is standing up for himself don’t start lecturing
the child as the child will get a confused message.
b)
Explain that you want the Child to stand up for
himself and you would help the child and intervene whenever you feel the need
to. And do intervene whenever you feel the need to...your intervention helps the child feel that though, I am independent but whenever I will need my parents they will be there to stand up for me.
Result of this in Child’s Life:
The child will always be grateful to the parent for the early lessons of
standing up for things which are wrong. When he becomes an adult, he would not
only stand up for himself but also, others around him, society, nation and the
world at large. He will know that he deserves to be treated well and thus, in
turn would treat others well and in turn, create a human environment around him which is
filled with love rather than bitterness.
Today I read a nice quote on whtsapp: Which I would dedicate to all the
people who are bitter towards a child on the pretext that it will help the
child prove himself/herself:
“All too often we underestimate
the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, someone who will listen, a
compliment or the smallest act of kindness. All of which have the power to
turn someone’s life around.” - Leo Buscaglia
DARSHA Gandhi Mehta
(Psychotherapist & Counsellor, Hypnotherapist, Past Life Regression Therapist; Colour & Aura Therapist, Graphologist, Angel & Crystal Advisor)
We Do Online & Phone Counselling Sessions
+(91) 9869660362; contact@fudoltherapies.com
